And They Shall Beat Their Hammers Into Spatulas

You know what I did during my lunch break the other day?  

If you answered, "Took your lazy ass away from your computer and went for a walk to enjoy the beautiful vistas and bountiful ear candy of downtown Nashville," you're dead wrong, but give yourself high marks for creativity.

I pack my lunch almost every day, and during the 12 o'clock hour, I can often be found eating at my desk while reading a novel, writing a blog post, shooting the bull about sports with my buddy Zach (would talking via IM be considered "typing" the bull?) or engaging with friends and blog readers on social media.

On Monday, I decided to try something different during lunch, and spent an hour surfing crock pot recipes on skinnytaste.com.  

If you are one of the unfortunate ones who knows what I look like, you're probably thinking: "What business does a man who looks like the lovechild of Seth Rogen and Jack Black have looking for anything on a website with 'skinny' in the title?"

I'm sure there are even some who might be saying to themselves, "Why the hell is he wasting a precious hour-long break from work to surf recipes? Shouldn't his stay-at-home wife be doing that?"

What my "mancave" really looks like

One of the benefits of blogging and social media is that they open you up to a huge world of people who have similar interests and desires. I belong to an online group of over 300 Dad Bloggers - some of whom blog for fun, while others carry significant influence in the worlds of marketing and entertainment. Some are working dads, while others stay at home with the kids - and even though we all come from different backgrounds and circumstances, one thing is strikingly similar about each one of us: we all love being the type of dad who is involved and engaged in our families' lives.

I don't know if it's my exposure to this outstanding group of dads or the other blogging networks to which I belong, but I feel like society is in the midst of a parenting revolution where the typical parental roles and responsibilities can no longer be defined and assigned by gender, and I'm thrilled to be a part of it. In the '50s, it would have been considered odd for the father to do the grocery shopping or cooking while mom builds the bookshelves in the den. I do the grocery shopping because I find it relaxing, while my wife does the product assembly because I almost embedded an Allen wrench in my cat's forehead the last time I tried to screw with an Ikea purchase.

Not only have parental roles evolved, but I think the things we get excited about as parents are changing, too. Let's continue to talk about skinnytaste.com for a second. The other night, my wife tried an interesting recipe for Zucchini Tots. Our sons love tater tots (who am I kidding, so do we), so Wife and I thought we'd try to pull some wool and offer the boys a healthier, more creative alternative. Unfortunately, we didn't have any zucchini in the house. Not to be denied, my wife deftly and coolly substituted yellow squash like she was the rat in that one Pixar movie. No, not the one where they took a perfectly normal princess and turned her into Tammy Faye Bakker. Anyway, I'm getting off-topic. We weren't sure how these modified veggie tots were going to taste because my wife hates to go off-book in the kitchen, but I've never been given a reason to question my faith in her culinary capabilities. (Daddy's getting lucky tonight!) 

Turns out, the tots were very tasty, and were a hit among all four of us. A recipe that my kids actually like is more exciting to me than shlepping to a rock concert anymore. Move over, Red Hot Chili Peppers: Make way for N'Awlins Stuffed Bell Peppers.

So today, I continue to surf the vast nooks of the Interwebs for delicious recipes to cook while my wife is probably installing storm windows or playing with a table saw. Who knows anymore.

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Saved by the Degrassi

Last Sunday morning, I got up with the boys so the wife could sleep in. After kicking some balls around and staging multi-car Hot Wheels pileups on our living room carpet, I realized that said living room was beginning to look like the zombie apocalypse version of Toys "R" Us.

I thought it might be a nice surprise for my wife to emerge from her vampire sleep to a clean living room. And hell, I was even going to throw in the kitchen, too. 

I can hear you saying things like, "Wow, Dadconteur, you're the most amazing husband and father ever!" Or, "Dude, you must be swimming in a sea of sexual IOUs!" The real truth is that the dishes in the sink from the previous night's dinner and the Duplos posing as punji sticks in the living room were starting to make my skin crawl. You say stellar husband, I say undiagnosed OCD.

Of course, when I'm alone with the boys, I don't have time to flush out the morning coffee before they're beating down the bathroom door George A. Romero style. If I was serious about cleaning the living room and kitchen, I was going to need a way to divert the attention of 2-year-old Stinkyman and 1-year-old Battletoad.

This is precisely why children's television was invented - other than to serve as a political punchline, of course.

You suck.

I turn on PBS Sprout, hoping I'll find an episode or two of Super WHY!, a show my boys really enjoy. But that kind of luck is reserved for the Ashton Kutchers of the world. (Why, Mila? Why?) Instead, I stumble onto Caillou, one of the worst examples of children's programming and a show my wife and I try to avoid like the discussion about what we're going to do with the kids in case we die on a roller coaster or something. By the time I realize what's happening, Stinkyman is yelling, "Ca-WOAH! Ca-WOAH!" And I have no choice but to let the boys watch.

(I'm not going to delve any further here as to why Caillou is so terrible. But if you want to find other like-minded parents who do anything to sidestep that whiny little dungnugget, check out these hilarious posts from Alan, Stephanie and Karen, three of the baddest bloggers around.) 

As you can see, there are many parents across the Interwebs who despise the Canadian-produced Caillou, some even going as far as classifying the show as an act of northern aggression. Yes, it's true there have been some rather daft Canadian contributions that somehow slipped by Customs, such as Caillou, Tom Green and Celine Dion. But seeing as how I love the NHL, The Kids in the Hall and John Candy, I'm not quite ready to write off the mighty maple leaf just yet. In fact, stick with me for a second while I defend one of the current crown jewels of Canadian programming.

Degrassi is a cutting edge Canadian show that doesn't get its propers in this country. The Degrassi franchise consists of several different series that follow the lives of teens who lived on or near De Grassi Street in Toronto, Ontario. The franchise's roots go as far back as 1979, and the current version of Degrassi airs on MuchMusic in Canada, and is rebroadcast on TeenNick in the United States.

What makes Degrassi so interesting is that the characters deal with real, and often controversial, issues that many teenagers face in high school, like teenage pregnancy, suicide, infidelity, bullying and terminal illness. Adding to the sense of realism is the fact that the cast is made up of actual teens, not a bunch of actors drinking from the same fountain as Ralph Macchio. (In case you didn't know, the baby-faced Macchio was actually 47 when he shot The Karate Kid. Look it up.)

You're cool.

Because of these elements, I believe Degrassi to be far superior to another high school show that is still quite popular across several age demographics (OK, and maybe a little with me too): Saved by the Bell.

The difference is that I believe Saved by the Bell maintains its popularity due to the kitsch factor and attractiveness of its actors more so than for its "realistic" depiction of scholastic life. Though, there were a few episodes that had moments of awkward high school realism, like situations involving marijuana usage and peer pressure, unrequited love and stolen sports cars.

There is even one well-known episode that deals with an addiction to caffeine pills. Come on, you know the one. If you want a testimony to the popularity and infamy of that episode, walk into any bar, bowling alley, movie theater, church service, chain restaurant or any other place where there is a collection of people in their 20s or 30s, sing the first line of the chorus to The Pointer Sisters' "I'm so excited," and see how many people respond like Jessie does in this notorious clip.

So why is Saved by the Bell still so popular all these years after its cancellation when it isn't nearly as meaty or compelling as Degrassi? I can't answer that question, but I can say with almost 100% certainty that if Zack, Kelly, Jessie, Slater, Lisa and Screech had to deal with the types of storylines portrayed on Degrassi, Saved by the Bell would still be on the air, maybe even in prime time on the CW or MTV.

So to prove my point, and to demonstrate why I would make an amazing television executive, I collected several synopses of past Degrassi episodes, then substituted in characters from Saved by the Bell. As you'll see below, Bayside High could have been WAY more interesting:

*  Kelly gets drunk at The Max during Bayside's alumni football game meeting and Zack takes her home.

*  Due to experiencing symptoms of his bipolar disorder, Slater physically attacks Screech.

*  Ox conspires with other cheerleaders in a prank against Jessie, which results in Jessie breaking her leg and seeking revenge.

*  When Stacey's ex, Craig, tries to rape her in an alley, Zack tries to fight him off but fails. Stacey then hits Craig with a rock and kills him.

*  Tori, a gay student at Bayside, gets bullied because of her sexuality.

*  Screech is excited for his big date with Violet Bickerstaff, but after having several wet dreams about her, he purchases a supplement online that he hopes will give him more stamina, with embarrassing results.

*  During multiculturalism week, Lisa is afraid to reveal that she is a Muslim and pretends to be Jamaican instead. Later, a Muslim girl's project is vandalized, and Lisa reveals that she is indeed a Muslim.

*  Kelly falsely accuses Mr. Belding of sexual harassment. 

Can you imagine if Caillou went to school at Degrassi? Oh, Canada!

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